My Loss for God's Glory

There are some things you just NEVER want to experience. The saying "ignorance is bliss" is very true.

On Wednesday my 4th pregnancy was abruptly cut short.

I honestly thought (how naive of me) that somehow I was immune to miscarriages. I had 3 easy, healthy pregnancies so the trend was set, right? Apparently that's not how it works.

As with all things in my life God uses them to grow my character. Until I reach that state of perfection **insert scratch head smilie** God will continue to turn up the heat. Although the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, it has been very humbling and enriching.

I do feel like I am closer to my Father and my character has developed. Before I could not empathize with those who had miscarried, now I can.

I'd love to share the events of Wednesday with you, both for my own recording and for your growth as well. I pray most of you have not experienced a loss and perhaps my story will enable you to comfort a friend or loved one better if they go through this pain.

In order to begin I must mention the pregnancy test. With my 3 previous pregnancies a faint positive test was all it took to tell me I was pregnant. There was no follow-up testing, no doubting. With this one, I doubted. I kept testing and testing waiting for the line to scream at me. The line continued to remain faint after many days of testing. I asked for prayer from everyone because I felt this nagging was from Satan. I prayed furiously for protection from the Lord, even asking Haley to pray for the Lord to control my thoughts. I now understand that a mother "just knows".

On Wednesday morning I got out of bed and felt a little pinch. I walked into the living room and sneezed. I laughed at the fact that my sneeze caused me to pee in my pants (so I thought) and I thought what's going to happen when I'm 8 months pregnant and sneeze?!

I went to the bathroom where my husband was shaving and sat down. Literally, shock took over. I sat there frozen, staring at the blood in my underwear.

What is this??? I thought I just peed? This can't be what I think it is? NOOO!!

Michael just wanted to know why I continued to sit frozen on the pot. He knew when the dam broke and the sobbing overtook me. My sweet husband tried to make it better. He even insisted I take a test. No use. I knew.

I didn't know what to expect but I expected to feel something. It wasn't until 10 that I did. Up until then I was so overcome with grief that Haley wondered why my eyes wouldn't open. I took homeopathic Ignatia and felt a bit better.

I began to feel sharp cramps. I went to the restroom and saw that I had passed a 1/2" of tissue.
From this point forward I truly felt like the hand of God reached down and healed the hole in my heart. I knew that this piece of tissue was the beginnings of my baby. I knew that God had control of its development. Who am I to question why or how? My mind can't even comprehend God's wisdom.

I followed my instincts and buried my baby. I was alone and it was perfect. There were no more tears.

I was most surprised at the motions my body went through during a miscarriage. I had all the same feelings that I do after I birth a full term baby. Emptiness, heaviness, bleeding, hormone surges.

Today 2 days later I am still bleeding bright red blood. It is minimal and it will probably all be over by tomorrow.

I dreamed of being with Jesus in heaven and asking him about my baby. I told him that if he wanted he could tell me someday in a dream if the baby was a boy or girl.

Well there weren't any tears until I wrote that. The tears come at the thought of being in the presence of my Saviour. How powerful!

There is always a song :) I prayed for a song that would speak to me in my time of sadness. Of course, the Lord provided.

He sees you down by the water line
knows what you thinking all the time
He sees the rising of the waves
when the tide starts rolling in he lets you know its gonna be okay

He sees you dancing in the moonlight
His arms around you hold you tight
and if those clouds should start to break
He'll be standing out in the rain with you
and though its hard to believe he beieves in you

(Chorus)
God is watching over you as always
you are loved whatever you go through
he's right beside you
god is watching over you as always
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you'd better think again

Painted in the sky a rainbow to remind you
nothing that is broken
cannot be made new
and when you feel so far away
he's gonna keep the nightlight on
he's waiting there
there to recieve you

God is watching over you as always
You are loved whenever you go ...

Through fire through wind and through rain
yesterday today and tomorrow the same
nothing there can take this love
nothing you can do can change this love
climb a tree gonna reach so high
Swing low sweet chariot
It's time to fly ...
oooh oh
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you'd better think again

God is watching over you as always
you are loved whatever you go through
he's right beside you
god is watching over you as always
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you'd better think again (X2)

I can't stop buying cloth diapers!

What in the world is wrong with me?? It's a poop catcher for crying out loud!

I can justify by saying I buy for "research" purposes. After all, I do have hundreds of readers on my cloth diaper blog (All About Cloth Diapers) sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for my next recommendation... ROFL!

Hmmm, that doesn't quite do it for my husband.

I spent all weekend selling diapers to build up paypal for a custom order and what did I do an hour ago? Spent it on some diapers that I have been in search of for months! Yes it was worth it but now I have to put a custom order on hold.

I fear I might scare a few moms away from cloth diapering because of my little problem. Yes, it is very possible to actually SAVE money cloth diapering. I probably am too with all the selling I do.

It's highly unlikely that a disposable using mom could resell a diaper her child has peed and pooped in :D

But, there are days when I feel like I need intervention. Just when I become happy with the "stash" I go and change it up.

It's crazy I tell ya. I'll just keep writing about my top cloth diaper finds in an effort to ease the pain of seeing *Paypal* on my bank statement.

I am so R I C H !!!

LOL! Rich on the word of God that is! When the Lord speaks to you in multiples you know you need to listen up. This mornings audio Bible time of Luke revealed a very well known verse that even an unchristian child had memorized.

Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

I looked it up in my Bible and taught it to Haley (and the other 2 that weren't really listening. Haven just wanted me to turn the cartoons on *sigh*). Then I got my coffee, turned on the computer and read my Daily Bible Verse.

Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

I will be honest this verse has caused many a "discussion" with my husband and I. I tend to fear judging anyone (although of course I do and not always in a nice way) where as my husband feels it is important to view others mistakes and learn from them; in essesence look at someone who has very obviously taken the wrong path in life and do all you can to dissect how they got there and run like hell the other way. Me, I pity then make an excuse for that person then agree that yes I wouldn't want to be where they are and defend that person...

Jesus didn't live the way I am (Thank you, God!!). My husband is modeling for me a route that is more biblical. Call someone out on their obvious wrong doing, don't sugar coat it (yummmm, love that sugar) and learn from each other. I certainly would want someone to call me out on my errors...okay well not always but it is for my good. And I prefer it not to be my husband but for some reason it always is. Bah! I need thicker skin.

God is so good to us poor saps. We don't deserve the rich teachings he provides for us. I mean really, I have been so bad you'd think he would have given up. But no, each day I read my Daily Bible Verse and listen to the Bible on CD I learn something completely new and life changing...even if I have heard it a thousand times.

Is anthing safe??

Why????!

I will never be able to comprehend why my son (most boys for that matter) prefers to destroy EVERYTHING he touches. I just don't get it. Toys, paper, books, crayons, valuable items, sentimental items, junk, food, furniture...

I am trying to recall an object that Haven has not desired to take apart, color on, cut, burn, or all together destroy. He does have some toys that are in perfect shape. Anything that is HIS.

What brings this up? As I was walking in my laundry room today something blue caught my eye under the dryer. It was one of those adjustable eraser sticks. I love those things. I was so excited to show Haley and of course my excitement led to Haven's curiosity. You'd think I would have learned by now to not over-react to inanimate things.

After Haley showed no interest in this eraser that I thought was so cool, Haven took off with it like it was his newborn baby. That love lasted um...15 seconds. As soon as I turned back around he had already fully taken apart the eraser.

Because I like to waste my breath, I explained to Haven that we don't have to destroy everything. If he was half the smart alek that I am he would have grinned and said "ya sure mommy".

Needless to say, 4 hours later the eraser is MIA and when I do find it, it will be in 25 parts. :D

I am still picking up the shreds of foam from an octopus sprinkler I bought 3 weeks ago--when will I learn.

Scarborough Faire 2008

Scarborough Faire is a yearly must attend event for our family. We look forward to it all year. This year we actually got there before the gates open. The first picture is during Opening Ceremonies.


The jousting competition is so fun to watch. Granted, you have to forget you are an adult and participate with child-like maturity in order to overlook the bad acting, lol.


AH, the highlight of Scarborough Faire 2008. Every year without fail the first show we attend is the Birds of Prey. The master falconer at the end of the show asks one child to come up on stage. This year he chose our Haley! I could not have been more proud. Mr. Falconer presented her to the "king" and "queen" and concluded by giving Haley a very special necklace. Michael and I were secretly jealous.


Don't they look tired? This is at the end of our 6 hour day. A ton of fun but boy were they pooped!

The Tooth Fairy IS Real

I have made a "few" mistakes in parenting. *gasp* One being when I read a tidbit of parenting advice I jump right in and give it a try.

A couple of weeks ago I read in Mothering magazine about not "lieing" to your children about things like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. So when the time was right ... it was oh so bad timing... I calmly explained to Haley that adults have imaginary friends to, like Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

She looked at me confused, then asked "so the Tooth Fairy is you?" This was a bit ackward. They didn't mention this part in the magazine. "Well, yes, but I pretend to be the Tooth Fairy."

Subject quickly changed and nothing was ever mentioned. Fast forward to yesterday when amidst MUCH MUCH drama I pulled Haley's 3rd baby tooth. She was very excited about what the Tooth Fairy would bring her-

Wait. Didn't we discuss that the Tooth Fairy was just me? Apparently, to a 6 year old, reality isn't as fun as make-believe. So we put her perfect little tooth in a bag and set in a safe place. Thankfully she remembered to get it and put it under her pillow (I have some memory issues).

I go to bed at 11pm and never have another thought of my duty. Not a good thing. But God is good to me, I'm not sure why but I think it has more to do with my children than me.

Haven starts hollerin' for me from his bed at 6:30...okay I have to share why he is yelling for me. Literally in my deep sleep I wanted to cry from laughter.

He went to bed last night after a spanking (which is the normal routine because why on Earth would a 3 year old go to bed when told and stay there???) and apparently fell asleep while still crying at 8:30 just as all sunlight was disappearing.

So at 6:30, just as sunlight was appearing, he wakes up thinking it's nighttime. Being the "good boy" he stays in his bed and calls for me. I walk to him with my eyes still pasted shut and ask what he needs. "Mommy, what are we having in the morning for breakfast?" he asks. This is our only bedtime routine, to discuss breakfast. The poor lad thought it was last night!

Why is this important? Because God was looking out for Haley.

As I mentioned I had forgotten about my duty as the Tooth Fairy. I had tended to Haven and brought him to our bed to join Michael and Paisley. But I noticed another body. Haley had come into our bed sometime in the night (which NEVER happend) and I hadn't noticed until then. I laid down with Haven on top of me and immediately flew out of bed! Holy crud! I ran into the kitchen, blindly grabbed some cash from my purse and replaced Haley's tooth with a gift from the Tooth Fairy.

No more than 30 seconds after I returned to bed did Haley wake up and ask Daddy if he thought the Tooth Fairy came?

"Thank you, God!"

Turns out the money I grabbed from my purse was $3. I hope there is a long time between now and the next tooth. Enough time for her to forget that the Tooth Fairy left $3! She did actually say that she'd rather have a toy next time.

I rather enjoy my imaginary friends...if only I could remember them at the right times.

Right Choices = Controversy

Why is it that doing the right thing or letting it be known that you are not just like everyone else causes controversy? I have actually had someone (someone very close to me) yell at me for making them feel bad for the choices they made--NOT because of something I said, mind you--but because of the way I live! What the heck??

Then I had a mom call me the other day about homeschooling and she told me her daughter's teacher said she couldn't read ahead because it might make the other students feel dumb. So okay, let's put a ceiling on this girl and teach her that being smart is a bad thing. Makes sense. I have learned to keep my lips tightly pursed. God has been good to me on that one. My tongue used to get me in lots of trouble. (Proverbs 10:19, Proverbs 17:28, Proverbs 21:23)

The thing that gets me the most is people who get offended by my choices are Christians. Yet the Bible is very clear:

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2Corinthians 7:1 Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.

I choose to not conform to the ways of the world (most certainly the ways of America). I choose to homebirth, not vaccinate, not circumcise, use alternative health, cloth diaper, breastfeed, co-sleep, profess my faith, submit to my husband, allow God to control my family size, spank my children, say NO, and make decisions based on long term results not instant gratification. I'm far from 100% on some of those, especially that last one. But that's why God blessed me with a very wise husband!

A woman emailed me the other day and I'd like to share part of it: (emphasis is mine)

Hey girl!!
I am in your small group at MOMS and I was wondering if you can help
me out. My family in general is moving in the direction of healthy
eating but this is ever more important right now. X needs to
change his habits from normal to pretty strict because of his
headaches. We need to eat fresh, non soy, no preservatives and
nitrate free.
Why am I telling you this? I think I heard you telling the helpers
at class that you did not want the kids drinking juice, I don't
either!! So this morning I thought of that statement and wanted to
email you. But anyway, I have been praying about this eating and you
came to mind. If you have any suggestions, book to recommend I would
love any help in this area. It is very hard to decipher through all
the millions of internet searches and books available!!

This is why you live by example. There is always someone watching and God will use you to glorify Him. I was in awe for days after this because it is so easy to think everyone thinks you're crazy (most do). But there are those who want a better life. Those who are just waiting for you to show them that you have some answers.

I invited this mom over and well I gave her more than she wanted I'm sure. It's kind of hard to stop yourself when you get started. But she went home and this was her reply email:

Ok. You have given me the tools to see that our food is
POISON!!!!!!!!!!!! X and I have checked out every label and are
going to transition all our foods to be MSG free among other
things!!! It is amazing what the FDA does not tell us and what they
allow in our foods. X and I have discussed that we feel so
betrayed by the food companies. Can't believe it.

Thank you for the information. I think it was info that we needed to
hear.

It is up to us to determine our paths not the FDA, CPS, Dept. of Health, CDC, Hospitals or media! I love that our children are a great example of smart choices we've made. The choices are never easy but then again Jesus told us we'd have trouble on this side of heaven. (John 16:33)

Paul's words are so full of inspiring, direct words. I feel this is a great end to my post:

1 Corinthians 11:1 Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

The Business of Being Born

I have been dieing to see this movie! Finally tonight I get the chance and it's online! I'm only watching 30 minutes tonight since I started so late but I am loving it so far.

I have had 3 homebirths and could not imagine doing it any other way. I mean why would I? I am a healthy woman with perfectly normal pregnancies. M.D.s are there for emergencies and thank the Lord for them during those times. But I certainly do not live my life in fear of the what-ifs. As a Christian that goes against all my Father in heaven teaches me. God speaks clearly through Psalms to me about fear and confidence in Psalm 27:1 and 27:3.

I am grateful to have read that magazine years ago with Cindy Crawford telling of her experience with homebirh. If it wasn't for that I may have had a different experience with my first birth. Thank you, God!

The movie is 1 hour 30 min. Here is the link: The Business of Being Born

My Family

Michael: genius, entraprenuer, sexy, practical, level-headed, patient, giver, CHRIST LOVER, chiropractor, internet marketer, most amazing husband and father!!
www.dcpracticetools.com

Me: daughter of Christ, helpmeet, mommy, writer of blogs, homeschooler, organic chef, cloth diaper expert, constant worrier and dreamer of unlikely scenarios involving the danger to my children, health advocate, birth warrior, breastfeeder, doctor of minor wounds, referee, maid...

Haley: Ah, where to start...intelligent, mature, beautiful, innovative, creative, emotional, CHRIST FOLLOWER, strong headed first-born.

Haven: Rowdy, ornery, silly, funny, dirty, emotional, stunning, sensitive, all boy!!!

Paisley: Precious, loving, hugger, gentle, gorgeous, so smart, independant, stubborn, tomboy, a true baby girl!

Sterling: Pookey bear, sweetie, cool cat, loves sleep :D, my forever baby b/c I will find a way to keep him from growing into a monster!