May 30, 2008

My Loss for God's Glory

There are some things you just NEVER want to experience. The saying "ignorance is bliss" is very true.

On Wednesday my 4th pregnancy was abruptly cut short.

I honestly thought (how naive of me) that somehow I was immune to miscarriages. I had 3 easy, healthy pregnancies so the trend was set, right? Apparently that's not how it works.

As with all things in my life God uses them to grow my character. Until I reach that state of perfection **insert scratch head smilie** God will continue to turn up the heat. Although the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, it has been very humbling and enriching.

I do feel like I am closer to my Father and my character has developed. Before I could not empathize with those who had miscarried, now I can.

I'd love to share the events of Wednesday with you, both for my own recording and for your growth as well. I pray most of you have not experienced a loss and perhaps my story will enable you to comfort a friend or loved one better if they go through this pain.

In order to begin I must mention the pregnancy test. With my 3 previous pregnancies a faint positive test was all it took to tell me I was pregnant. There was no follow-up testing, no doubting. With this one, I doubted. I kept testing and testing waiting for the line to scream at me. The line continued to remain faint after many days of testing. I asked for prayer from everyone because I felt this nagging was from Satan. I prayed furiously for protection from the Lord, even asking Haley to pray for the Lord to control my thoughts. I now understand that a mother "just knows".

On Wednesday morning I got out of bed and felt a little pinch. I walked into the living room and sneezed. I laughed at the fact that my sneeze caused me to pee in my pants (so I thought) and I thought what's going to happen when I'm 8 months pregnant and sneeze?!

I went to the bathroom where my husband was shaving and sat down. Literally, shock took over. I sat there frozen, staring at the blood in my underwear.

What is this??? I thought I just peed? This can't be what I think it is? NOOO!!

Michael just wanted to know why I continued to sit frozen on the pot. He knew when the dam broke and the sobbing overtook me. My sweet husband tried to make it better. He even insisted I take a test. No use. I knew.

I didn't know what to expect but I expected to feel something. It wasn't until 10 that I did. Up until then I was so overcome with grief that Haley wondered why my eyes wouldn't open. I took homeopathic Ignatia and felt a bit better.

I began to feel sharp cramps. I went to the restroom and saw that I had passed a 1/2" of tissue.
From this point forward I truly felt like the hand of God reached down and healed the hole in my heart. I knew that this piece of tissue was the beginnings of my baby. I knew that God had control of its development. Who am I to question why or how? My mind can't even comprehend God's wisdom.

I followed my instincts and buried my baby. I was alone and it was perfect. There were no more tears.

I was most surprised at the motions my body went through during a miscarriage. I had all the same feelings that I do after I birth a full term baby. Emptiness, heaviness, bleeding, hormone surges.

Today 2 days later I am still bleeding bright red blood. It is minimal and it will probably all be over by tomorrow.

I dreamed of being with Jesus in heaven and asking him about my baby. I told him that if he wanted he could tell me someday in a dream if the baby was a boy or girl.

Well there weren't any tears until I wrote that. The tears come at the thought of being in the presence of my Saviour. How powerful!

There is always a song :) I prayed for a song that would speak to me in my time of sadness. Of course, the Lord provided.


He sees you down by the water line
knows what you thinking all the time
He sees the rising of the waves
when the tide starts rolling in he lets you know its gonna be okay

He sees you dancing in the moonlight
His arms around you hold you tight
and if those clouds should start to break
He'll be standing out in the rain with you
and though its hard to believe he beieves in you

(Chorus)
God is watching over you as always
you are loved whatever you go through
he's right beside you
god is watching over you as always
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you'd better think again

Painted in the sky a rainbow to remind you
nothing that is broken
cannot be made new
and when you feel so far away
he's gonna keep the nightlight on
he's waiting there
there to recieve you

God is watching over you as always
You are loved whenever you go ...

Through fire through wind and through rain
yesterday today and tomorrow the same
nothing there can take this love
nothing you can do can change this love
climb a tree gonna reach so high
Swing low sweet chariot
It's time to fly ...
oooh oh
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you'd better think again

God is watching over you as always
you are loved whatever you go through
he's right beside you
god is watching over you as always
and if you think he'll ever leave you
you'd better think again (X2)

3 comments:

Tiffany said...

Oh how sorry I am for you!!! I went through a miscarriage as well. I had twin sons and then another daughter and was pregnant with my forth child when I miscarriage, I always thought it would not happen to me i guess. It does really humble you. I went through alot of complications with mine!! I miscarried at 12 weeks. I got pregnant 6 months after that and went on to have a healthy daughter and now have a son and am pregnant with our 6th child. I know how hard it is but you seem like such a strong woman. I just wanted to say I understand and how sorry I am. I found your blog through CMOMB. You can visit my blog at
http://theballardsblog.blogspot.com/

snelson's said...

hey autumn. i just read your comment on my blog! thanks for your nice words.

i totally understand what you're saying here. i had a m/c before abigail and it was horrible. i am so sorry you had to experience this, but yes, it does bring you closer to the Lord - if you allow that to happen.

i'm glad i "know" a mama on DS now!!! i'll be sure to say hi!

Tracy, mom2many said...

Oh my sweet friend, I wish I had known sooner to pray for you. I'm just so sorry. Have you heard the song "Glory Baby"? There's such a beautiful line in there,

"I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like"

I would love to get you a memory box, e-mail me if you would like it
tracymo@clabs.org

Sending love to your precious family.