Paisley has weaned

It's official. Tuesday after lunch as I laid Paisley down for a nap I nursed her for the last time. In my mind I was going to wean her soon I just didn't realize how soon.

This time I want to journal about the last nursing session. With my other 2 I thought about it and never wrote it down. I actually thought I'd remember something so special as that but I don't.

Dear Paisley,

On September 16th you and I shared a last experience. I have recorded all your firsts but very few lasts. It was a gorgeous day. The weather was a perfect 78 degrees with the sun shining. As we finished lunch I asked you if you were ready for a nap. Just like you always do you took my hand and led me to my bed. I remember that I had actually fully made my bed that day with our big comforter. I spread out a sheet on top and you were so impatient! We laid down and I let you know that we wouldn't be nursing for much longer. I told you that you were a big girl now and mommy would miss nursing you. You eagerly pulled up my shirt to nurse and quickly fell asleep. As I unlatched you, you began to cry-in a mad way. Sometimes you do that. I think you are asleep but you haven't yet fully fallen. I said "shhhhh" and held your leg (you like that) and you slowly quieted and fell asleep. I walked out the room saying goodbye to one of the most precious moments we have ever shared. I loved nursing you. There could not have been a better relationship. I have been so blessed and I will miss our time so much. But through the tears I know there will be many more memories to fill this empty spot. Now every snuggle, every smile, every boo boo will be all the more cherished. Thank you for a perfect (and I mean perfect) 21 months of nursing.

Love, Mommy

An Amazing Poem

I am copy/pasting as the author wrote it. It will be in red.

OK, so I typed this after our loss in May of 2004, and with all the debates I just felt the need to share this... I know, it's probably silly, but, here you go!

(And I don't want pro choicers 'cause I don't need their comments!!! )

My hugs go out to all of you who have experienced a loss...

________________________________________________________

I wish you were right.

All you pro-choice people, I want nothing more than for you to be right.

But you’re not.

If you were right, I wouldn’t have gotten so excited at that positive pregnancy test. I mean, who gets excited that a bunch of cells are multiplying. That’s what they do, right?

If you were right, I wouldn’t have told my mom, and my husband’s parents, and his young sister. We wouldn’t have celebrated. Come on, who celebrates a parasite
invading one’s body?

If you were right, my daughter wouldn’t love to come and kiss my belly. She wouldn’t wave hi to it or bring me books to read to it.

I wish you were right.

If you were right, I wouldn’t have felt the sheer terror of seeing the blood. I wouldn’t have been hyper-aware of every twinge. I wouldn’t have had to be on the phone with doctor. I wouldn’t have had to lay for three days.

If you were right, I wouldn’t have had to pray and pray and pray.

If you were right, I wouldn’t have had to cry and cry and cry.

If you were right, my husband could have continued to go to work. He wouldn’t have to hold his wife as she sobbed and yelled and begged him to make it all stop.

If you were right, there wouldn’t have been such joy on Tuesday when we saw a heartbeat. If you were right, there wouldn’t have been such hell when we saw that baby in my hand.

If you were right, I could have left “it” in the toilet, and just flushed.

I wish you were right.

If you were right, there would be so many tears saved by my mom, and my husband’s parents, and his young sister.

If you were right, my heart wouldn’t rip in two when I have to explain to my daughter that our baby went to heaven. But she’s too young to understand. If you were right, I wouldn’t want to die when my daughter still comes and kisses my belly. Or when she continues to wave hi to it or brings me books to read to it.

If you were right, I wouldn’t feel like my baby is dead.

I wish you were right.

But you’re not.

September 2008 Update

It has been a long while since I posted much of anything. Like every other mom there are a million things keeping busy. Here's a little update on us:

* Michael sold his practice (YEAH!) and is in the 90 day transition for the new doctor.
* We rescued a new puppy. Yep that makes 3 dogs, 1 cat and 5 people...soon to be 6.
* I feel huge. I'm 14 1/2 wks yet move and look like I did at ~25wks with the others. Dang abdominal muscles.
* We celebrated our 10 year anniversary at the end of August. One of my sisters offered to watch the kids and we went out. What better place to eat when your pregnant than a brazilian meat restaurant??
* We're hoping to put our house on the market within the next month.
* I did not realize that finding a midwife in the San Antonio area would be so difficult. DFW is so midwife rich. But just as he always has God will provide the perfect one.
*Haley got her ears pierced. She did not even flinch. I couldn't believe it. I almost cried and she acts like it's nothing. You'd see this as funny if you lived with this child. She acts like a paper cut is a 2" deep gash.
* Haven and Haley started Awanas. What an amazing program. I'm a little nervous for tonight. Haven has to recite his Bible verse to get his vest.
*Paisley has entered the terrible twos. I thank God I had 19 months of an angel baby. It makes her constant crying, whining and sassiness a little more bearable. Hey, atleast she's sleeping well.
*My blog has surpassed the 4000 visits a month mark. Sort of flew by 4000 actually. I am about to offer up advertising spots. It's kind of surreal to think of how this cloth diaper blog has expanded so quickly.

I can't think of anything else right now. God Bless.